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Post by Goddess Of The Flames on Apr 17, 2019 22:13:37 GMT
Dear fellow warrior cats,
I love you ALL SOSOSOSOSO much and I can't even explain anymore. I'm trying so hard not to cry while I post this, but it's needed to be done for a couple weeks. I love you all, and you've made such an impact on me, good or bad, you've molded me into a greater person.
I promise this is the last time you'll see me struggling with such a big decision like this. I first would like to explain why this thread exists.
I've been really struggling with my mental health lately, including revealing my dark thoughts to my mother. It's been a tough few weeks. I've been trying to piece together my life since the beginning of the new year. It's occured to me that I need to get my life in order before it's too late.
You see, I suffer from depression and some anxiety. Or as I think…? My thoughts and feelings can evolve into greater than great, and they can take a very dark turn in a matter of a small amount of time. I've had these feelings and thoughts for about a year. It's like a headache that has been pounding harder more and more each day. It hurts so much that when I cry it feels like somebody is trying to rip out my stomach along with the skin.
Time doesn't exist for me either. I've been trying to focus on improving my art and writing because I think people are just saying nice things to make me feel good about myself. I'm also so packed with school, homework, projects, and failing friendships.
(I told my mom about my feelings etc. and I'm gonna go to a new counsellor outside of school and find a psychiatrist to maybe get prescribed meds fun right)
I guess you could say I'm kind of trying to find myself.
I'm actually searching for my past self. I remember how happy I was, how satisfied I was, and how I was so careless about everything. It was so much simpler back then. Now, I want to keep my wisdom and go back to when it was harmony and sparkles. When I first found SSO WC, when I found people who like the same things as me, when I became involved in so many people's lives that I became secure of myself that I was always there for people so much older than me. I felt like an adult.
When I first found the SSO Clans, it was a warm morning, in about Winter-Spring time of 2017. I was in Firgrove, and I saw a Global advertisement for MeadowClan, led by a she-cat named Thornstar. I'm sure nobody is old enough to remember that small Clan in Apple Grove, but I have long forgotten her username. Thornstar was very kind to me, but she was also odd at some points. She wasn't entirely active, and our Clan always consisted of up to 4 or 5 cats including Thornstar and myself. I remember one day it was just me and her left. We were advertising, and I got two cats. A medicine cat named Gold something and a warrior whose name I don't remember. I was so proud of myself. I was newly promoted to deputy because I stuck around and I really believed in the future of this Clan. Every morning I would advertise as much as I could until I got bored and logged off. And those two cats stuck around for about three days, and left. Many cats left in pairs or groups.
Once in a while, I kinda organized a role. It didn't really go well, due to a minimal amount of cats. I used my paint Mustang, Autumnfeather, as Flameheart for a long time.
Gatherings were a whole different ballgame. I had time for it since I usually didn't get any homework from school, and I guess it might have been spring break or something. Thornstar sometimes led the Gathering, but it would usually only be us two. If she wasn't online, I would speak. I remember the many times I spoke, and I stuck to the books really tight. I remember my Mustang being so small compared to most of the other leaders. I was also the most bizarre coloured one there. Shadestar was pure black with her classic black Hanoverian with white socks, and braided mane. The other leaders I don't remember much, but Featherstar was always there, although I didn't pay much attention to him.
My focus seemed to be always on that black she-cat, leader of NightClan, apparently the biggest Clan of them all, next to StoneClan. I admired her forceful voice and Firestar-like traits. She then approached me and we became friends, occasionally talking to one another.
Misfortune struck MeadowClan, and Thornstar disbanded. I had logged on one day, and the club was gone. I hurried to remake the Clan. Thornstar had taught me everyhing about the traditions of the Clans, and what to do if anything happened. My heart was racing as I picked out Meadow Cats Clan and became Flamestar.
The same story between me and Thornstar carried on. I would have cats stay and leave, but it was really hard seeing the cats I liked leave the next day. I had mapped out the camp, I have tours, I roleplayed right after with them, I did everything all by myself. My deputies stuck around for longer than other cats, but they eventually left. Everytime I got upset or sad, I talked to Shadestar about it. Eventually, she offered to save a spot for me in NightClan, just in case I would disband my dear MeadowClan. This gave me hope, as I didn't know where I would go if I disbanded MeadowClan.
There were fights between other Clans from time to time, especially this one RedClan.
They were fairly new, and they wanted to move in right across from our Apple Grove, next to the mine, but with a big cliff and field. One day I crossed through, not knowing RedClan existed. A kit came across me and called for their leader (whose name I have forgotten). The kit's username I still remember today, and it's probably the only one I remember from my time in MeadowClan. It was Dakota Ponyhoof. She was riding your standard honey brown Jorvik Pony (the cheapest one on the barge before the new ones, I have one named Ashblood). The kit kept getting aggressive to me, and eventually scratched me quite a few times. The leader introduced herself (I think she/her) and the kit, who was named Flamekit. I introduced myself as well. The kit became twice as aggressive and said: “That's MY name! You stole it!” When clearly I was Flamestar/heart before her (might've been a he/him). The leader then got pissed off at me while we marked out our borders. After that, they both began to whine and forced me to change my name since the kit would one day be a leader. I refused, but they kept disrespecting me and just being so rude to me. I then gave in and changed my name to Blazestar, after Flameheart's blazing heart. After that incident, I rarely came across them.
One day I was left alone, tired of advertising over other clubs that were more popular at the time. I contacted Shadestar and took up my spot in NightClan. This was around in the end of July 2017. I was really nervous as I joined, but when I was welcomed by so many cats I was bound to forge long-lasting friendships with, a wave of relief flooded over me. It felt like home even though it wasn't MeadowClan. I was welcomed by lots of cats that I am good friends with today. I'll never forget that feeling once I opened the Club chat.
Sorry for that repeat of my story.
Anyway, it is now April 2019. My almost two year anniversary of being in NightClan (coming up in July). I have only left once, in my first few months of living in NightClan. I left for FrostClan, led by Lionclaw/star. My mate, Colorblaze, left me and our four kits (two were dead at the time). I didn't know what to do so I let Flameheart's heart decide. She loved Colorblaze and was of no importance to Shadestar if she stayed. Anyway, I spent a minimal amount there and then was directed back home where I have stayed since.
I was promoted to deputy after Winterfury had some scandals with Shadestar, and I was so thrilled. I remembered what it was like, and being a part of such a large Clan like this was amazing. Everytime Shadestar needed me, I would be there. Everytime she banned, I would remake, over and over, even if I was so wounded by her decisions. It was hard being a deputy, but I loved it. I loved being a part of people's lives, stating my opinion, while doing something I enjoy.
Those times were simple, but there were many battles, arguments, and events that occurred that I was a part of. I aided Shadestar in everything she did, I helped when I could. My anxiety decreased, and I became more witty, and my personality changed in real life. It impacted my being.
Now, those times are over, and we have to keep moving. Life is something that none of us are good at, and never have played before. I have decided to leave the Clans.
I know what you're thinking, “Why would you leave?” I already stated most of it at the beginning. Time, life, health, etc.
Its been so much fun being around each and every one of you for so long. I am so glad to have met every one of you. I love you all, and you have made a great impact on me, good or bad, or both. It doesn't matter.
I'm sorry to leave you, but I have to do what I have to do.
Remember me. Tell my story for generations to come, just like my father.
And here, this will be our song:
(I cry every time and I have memorized it. It's one of my favourites)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtOvBOTyX00
LYRICS BELOW
Bold parts are what I think are most relatable to me to you (but I'm singing them to you I guess)
I'm so extra I know
------
Heart beats fast
Colours and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afriad to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you
For a thousand years
And I'll love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away what’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years
And I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
And I'll love you for a thousand more
One step closer
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years
And I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
And I'll love you for a thousand more
------
I'm also struggling to find an ending with Flameheart, Royalblood (Flame x Color), Pinetree (Shade x Storm), Emberdaisy (Flame x Ember), Pyroflame (Flame x Ember), Firestorm (Flame x Ember), and my unborn kits with Shade's character, Eveningflurry (people have asked to be them).
Write your own stories, walk your own path. Be your own person. Be loyal. Be kind. Be merciful.
Live like Flameheart.
I'll still be around to help <3
~ Flameheart
Stuff:
Wattpad - FlameFlickers
Discord - Real Flames #1372
I love you ALL SOSOSOSOSO much and I can't even explain anymore. I'm trying so hard not to cry while I post this, but it's needed to be done for a couple weeks. I love you all, and you've made such an impact on me, good or bad, you've molded me into a greater person.
I promise this is the last time you'll see me struggling with such a big decision like this. I first would like to explain why this thread exists.
I've been really struggling with my mental health lately, including revealing my dark thoughts to my mother. It's been a tough few weeks. I've been trying to piece together my life since the beginning of the new year. It's occured to me that I need to get my life in order before it's too late.
You see, I suffer from depression and some anxiety. Or as I think…? My thoughts and feelings can evolve into greater than great, and they can take a very dark turn in a matter of a small amount of time. I've had these feelings and thoughts for about a year. It's like a headache that has been pounding harder more and more each day. It hurts so much that when I cry it feels like somebody is trying to rip out my stomach along with the skin.
Time doesn't exist for me either. I've been trying to focus on improving my art and writing because I think people are just saying nice things to make me feel good about myself. I'm also so packed with school, homework, projects, and failing friendships.
(I told my mom about my feelings etc. and I'm gonna go to a new counsellor outside of school and find a psychiatrist to maybe get prescribed meds fun right)
I guess you could say I'm kind of trying to find myself.
I'm actually searching for my past self. I remember how happy I was, how satisfied I was, and how I was so careless about everything. It was so much simpler back then. Now, I want to keep my wisdom and go back to when it was harmony and sparkles. When I first found SSO WC, when I found people who like the same things as me, when I became involved in so many people's lives that I became secure of myself that I was always there for people so much older than me. I felt like an adult.
When I first found the SSO Clans, it was a warm morning, in about Winter-Spring time of 2017. I was in Firgrove, and I saw a Global advertisement for MeadowClan, led by a she-cat named Thornstar. I'm sure nobody is old enough to remember that small Clan in Apple Grove, but I have long forgotten her username. Thornstar was very kind to me, but she was also odd at some points. She wasn't entirely active, and our Clan always consisted of up to 4 or 5 cats including Thornstar and myself. I remember one day it was just me and her left. We were advertising, and I got two cats. A medicine cat named Gold something and a warrior whose name I don't remember. I was so proud of myself. I was newly promoted to deputy because I stuck around and I really believed in the future of this Clan. Every morning I would advertise as much as I could until I got bored and logged off. And those two cats stuck around for about three days, and left. Many cats left in pairs or groups.
Once in a while, I kinda organized a role. It didn't really go well, due to a minimal amount of cats. I used my paint Mustang, Autumnfeather, as Flameheart for a long time.
Gatherings were a whole different ballgame. I had time for it since I usually didn't get any homework from school, and I guess it might have been spring break or something. Thornstar sometimes led the Gathering, but it would usually only be us two. If she wasn't online, I would speak. I remember the many times I spoke, and I stuck to the books really tight. I remember my Mustang being so small compared to most of the other leaders. I was also the most bizarre coloured one there. Shadestar was pure black with her classic black Hanoverian with white socks, and braided mane. The other leaders I don't remember much, but Featherstar was always there, although I didn't pay much attention to him.
My focus seemed to be always on that black she-cat, leader of NightClan, apparently the biggest Clan of them all, next to StoneClan. I admired her forceful voice and Firestar-like traits. She then approached me and we became friends, occasionally talking to one another.
Misfortune struck MeadowClan, and Thornstar disbanded. I had logged on one day, and the club was gone. I hurried to remake the Clan. Thornstar had taught me everyhing about the traditions of the Clans, and what to do if anything happened. My heart was racing as I picked out Meadow Cats Clan and became Flamestar.
The same story between me and Thornstar carried on. I would have cats stay and leave, but it was really hard seeing the cats I liked leave the next day. I had mapped out the camp, I have tours, I roleplayed right after with them, I did everything all by myself. My deputies stuck around for longer than other cats, but they eventually left. Everytime I got upset or sad, I talked to Shadestar about it. Eventually, she offered to save a spot for me in NightClan, just in case I would disband my dear MeadowClan. This gave me hope, as I didn't know where I would go if I disbanded MeadowClan.
There were fights between other Clans from time to time, especially this one RedClan.
They were fairly new, and they wanted to move in right across from our Apple Grove, next to the mine, but with a big cliff and field. One day I crossed through, not knowing RedClan existed. A kit came across me and called for their leader (whose name I have forgotten). The kit's username I still remember today, and it's probably the only one I remember from my time in MeadowClan. It was Dakota Ponyhoof. She was riding your standard honey brown Jorvik Pony (the cheapest one on the barge before the new ones, I have one named Ashblood). The kit kept getting aggressive to me, and eventually scratched me quite a few times. The leader introduced herself (I think she/her) and the kit, who was named Flamekit. I introduced myself as well. The kit became twice as aggressive and said: “That's MY name! You stole it!” When clearly I was Flamestar/heart before her (might've been a he/him). The leader then got pissed off at me while we marked out our borders. After that, they both began to whine and forced me to change my name since the kit would one day be a leader. I refused, but they kept disrespecting me and just being so rude to me. I then gave in and changed my name to Blazestar, after Flameheart's blazing heart. After that incident, I rarely came across them.
One day I was left alone, tired of advertising over other clubs that were more popular at the time. I contacted Shadestar and took up my spot in NightClan. This was around in the end of July 2017. I was really nervous as I joined, but when I was welcomed by so many cats I was bound to forge long-lasting friendships with, a wave of relief flooded over me. It felt like home even though it wasn't MeadowClan. I was welcomed by lots of cats that I am good friends with today. I'll never forget that feeling once I opened the Club chat.
Sorry for that repeat of my story.
Anyway, it is now April 2019. My almost two year anniversary of being in NightClan (coming up in July). I have only left once, in my first few months of living in NightClan. I left for FrostClan, led by Lionclaw/star. My mate, Colorblaze, left me and our four kits (two were dead at the time). I didn't know what to do so I let Flameheart's heart decide. She loved Colorblaze and was of no importance to Shadestar if she stayed. Anyway, I spent a minimal amount there and then was directed back home where I have stayed since.
I was promoted to deputy after Winterfury had some scandals with Shadestar, and I was so thrilled. I remembered what it was like, and being a part of such a large Clan like this was amazing. Everytime Shadestar needed me, I would be there. Everytime she banned, I would remake, over and over, even if I was so wounded by her decisions. It was hard being a deputy, but I loved it. I loved being a part of people's lives, stating my opinion, while doing something I enjoy.
Those times were simple, but there were many battles, arguments, and events that occurred that I was a part of. I aided Shadestar in everything she did, I helped when I could. My anxiety decreased, and I became more witty, and my personality changed in real life. It impacted my being.
Now, those times are over, and we have to keep moving. Life is something that none of us are good at, and never have played before. I have decided to leave the Clans.
I know what you're thinking, “Why would you leave?” I already stated most of it at the beginning. Time, life, health, etc.
Its been so much fun being around each and every one of you for so long. I am so glad to have met every one of you. I love you all, and you have made a great impact on me, good or bad, or both. It doesn't matter.
I'm sorry to leave you, but I have to do what I have to do.
Remember me. Tell my story for generations to come, just like my father.
And here, this will be our song:
(I cry every time and I have memorized it. It's one of my favourites)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtOvBOTyX00
LYRICS BELOW
Bold parts are what I think are most relatable to me to you (but I'm singing them to you I guess)
I'm so extra I know
------
Heart beats fast
Colours and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afriad to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you
For a thousand years
And I'll love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away what’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years
And I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
And I'll love you for a thousand more
One step closer
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years
And I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
And I'll love you for a thousand more
------
I'm also struggling to find an ending with Flameheart, Royalblood (Flame x Color), Pinetree (Shade x Storm), Emberdaisy (Flame x Ember), Pyroflame (Flame x Ember), Firestorm (Flame x Ember), and my unborn kits with Shade's character, Eveningflurry (people have asked to be them).
Write your own stories, walk your own path. Be your own person. Be loyal. Be kind. Be merciful.
Live like Flameheart.
I'll still be around to help <3
~ Flameheart
Stuff:
Wattpad - FlameFlickers
Discord - Real Flames #1372
