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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2019 23:12:34 GMT
Silverpaw's Thoughts
...
I'm always going 24/7. Never stopping for a second. Well, my brain is at least. I just keep mulling around the fact that I left Nightclan. I'm pretty upset with my self. That was the one place I had felt at peace in. Being a rogue with Fishy, I was always on my toes. In Shadyclan, I felt uncomfortable and out of place (but I'm grateful that they gave me a place to stay for a little while).
How come I left behind my first good home? I wish even I knew... things aren't the same anymore. Fishpaw is practically a raving lunatic by now, mad in his own sorrow. I feel badly for him, but it's not like he skipped out on raising his only child to mourn my mother. Oh wait, he did. I'm tired of self pity, so I pity him. He's a lost cause now... I just wish he wasn't. I can't stand the fact that Ivy is somewhere out there still... I can't get over it. The thought that she died is too hard to accept, and I've tried to convince Fishy that it is a possibility, but he wouldn't listen. He never does. I just felt alone. I still feel alone.
Looks like I'm back as a rogue. I had gone to Shadyclan, but even I didn't feel right there. Looks like my clan days have come to an end. I must not have been born a clan cat, because I certainly have not been acting like one. I try my hardest to follow the Warrior Code. I've never caught prey for a stranger. I've tried my best to help those in need, even those outside of the clan. I have never fallen in love, though it's not very easy to fall in love. I see all cats as cats I am prepared to heal, and even fight. I can't trust anyone anymore... that's the one good thing Fishpaw taught me. Don't trust anyone. Eventually, Fishy must have taken that too far. He doesn't even trust himself anymore. But I left the clans... doesn't that kick me out of the whole warrior code loyalty thing? Will Starclan ever accept me after all that Fishpaw has done?
I know nothing of my real parents. All I've been told is that I was found by Ivypaw, and she raised me for a time. That was so long ago... She went missing too soon... Around when I was 4-5 moons old. Fishpaw tried his best (I hope) to raise me from then on. It never really worked out, and I guess he neglected me one time to many and I was taken by one of his Dark Forest rivals. That place makes me want to scream!! All the dark, cold, and cruel cats go there. I hate it that Fishpaw says he belongs there. He really doesn't... deep down inside, I know he's got a heart of gold... well, at least, a tiny sliver of gold among the shadows.
Anyways, Fishpaw, wish Luckyclover's help, rescued me and soon Lucky seemed to grow tired of Fishy's neglecting as well. She partially raised me then. It was strange... sometimes I was in a fun clan (!!Nightclan!!) with kits my own age and friendly felines to share stories and prey with!! And other times, well... It was just me and Fishpaw in his old smelly den by the river. He's such a dull cat to be around. I've always wondered why Nightclan doesn't bother with him much, even when he sits in their camp. I guess he's a regular around there... a familiar face who used to be friendly. I'm glad at least some cats don't see him as the monster everyone makes him out to be. When I was with him, he was creepy. Somedays he'd be watching me from a tree while I caught some fish, and other days, he'd be stalking a random young rogue (the poor thing looked to be around 10 moons) and scaring the wits out of him.
I just wish he'd change.
I've never really had a friend. Not one my own age, anyways. Lucky was good to me, but technically speaking, she's my aunt. So, not really a friend. Shadestar was awesome. She was a great role model for anyone looking to be the next independent, brave, and loyal leader. She can't be replaced though... and after I found out she actually died, I didn't know what to think. The only leader who had given me a home I could count on was gone.
I'm tired of heartbreak, so it especially will be easy not to fall in love. I guess I was meant to be a quiet, lonely rogue. Maybe I'll live life up in the mountains somewhere. I've dreamed of going to the valley where it's always Winter... but not matter how hard I wish I can't grow my fur out beyond thin! I have also liked Silverglade Acres... Fishy actually told me of a time when he had lived there with Ivy. That's where they had met.
-sigh- I'll figure it out someday...
(Linearts not mine)